Previous Page | HOME | Next Page
Sunday, March 14, 2010
Beatles Photo of the Week: Secret Lessons from Paul McCartney Charm School
LIZ: By this time next year I will have graduated egregia cum laude from Paul McCartney Charm School, which is this really elite learning academy that's invisible like Hogwarts but with a far more rigorous curriculum. Like, for examps, instead of learning how to interpret runes and ward off Dementors and repot screaming plants that look like babies, we're studying far more useful stuff like introducing "I'm a Loser" in French and Making Pathological Optimism Work For You. There's even a class devoted entirely to winking! I had a hard time at first - but soon enough I was involuntarily winking at teenagers kissing on bus-stop benches*, and I knew I was really going places. For our final exams we have to ride in an airplane, smoke, wink, answer interview questions, and look superlatively adorable upon getting hit with a pillow - all at the same time! I get all itchy-twitchy just thinking about it, but then I practice hitting myself with a pillow in the mirror and I just know I'll pass with flying colors.
Anyway, all our coursework at Paul McCartney Charm School's really top secret, but I don't think the headmaster'll mind if I share a couple of fairly elementary lessons with you all. Here, two rules for achieving maximum adorability, both taken from Cute Beatle 101:
CHANGE YOUR NAME TO "HOT SOX." But, like, not legally or anything: You've gotta change it in people's minds. Obviously the easiest way to make that happen is to stand around with some tummy-ache-inducingly innocent look on your sweet little face, dressed like a wolf in prison and wearing a shirt that says "HOT SOX" in gigantic font. That's kind of cheating, though. But I bet if you put on your darlingest knee socks and walk around in a gait that's neither strutty nor slumpy, you'll be golden.
LOOK PUZZLED WHILE WEARING A FAUX-FUR TRAPPER HAT. I don't have this down yet, obvsiously. I just look mildly confused and/or bored, and like I'm simultaneously trying too hard and not trying at all. And we can't have that at Paul McCartney Charm School, where attaining just the right level of tryingness is forever paramount. Time to hit the books!
LJ: Meanwhile, across town (to quote Carrie Bradshaw), there's also a John Lennon Charm School! It's called "The Goon Show", and it's run by John Lennon, and me. Me! That's right. Me. Laura Jane Faulds. John Lennon's best friend and confidante. Laura Jane Faulds.
The Goon Show is for the cool kids, the devil-may-care-attituded, the sauce-guzzlin' sorta goofball motherfuckers who think it's straight gay for grown men to wear Max from Where The Wild Things Are costumes. Though trapper hats are totes acceptable. At The Goon Show, we teach beautiful women how to say "Fuck" beautifully. We chainsmoke as if our names were Serge Gainsbourg. We do lots of drugs- the bad ones, and then we cut our necks shaving and wear ratty fur jackets on rooftops. We pin pictures of Paul McCartney to the wall, and then we gouge out his eyeballs with switchblades and draw anarchy symbols on his forehead. We spit at them. We like white jeans. We say terrible things about Jesus Christ, and we have this really fucking funny joke we all do, it's our "thing"- which is that when somebody- anybody (even your Mom!)- says "To each his own," we have to say "I like Hitler!" in response, cuz like, you know, if you really think, "To each his own," you should totally be down with us liking Hitler, so, like, yeah, that's really funny, to us. (We don't really like Hitler, though, FYI. We HATE Hitler!!!) Us goons. We dance like goons, make fun of goons, and make goony faces. Instead of winking, we half-smile derisively. Did I mention the drugs? Yeah. All we fucking do is drugs, over here. Drugs. We love drugs!
That being said- OMG PAULIE PAUL PAUL IS SOOOOO CUTE IN THESE PICTURES OH MY GOD WHAT A SWEET LITTLE ADORABLE BABY PUNKIN SWEETHEART I JUST WANT TO CUDDLE HIM AND GIVE HIM WEE LITTLE CHEEK-KISSES FOREVER AND EVER AWWWWWW WHAT A CUPCAKE, A COOKIE, A LITTLE MARASCHINO CHERRY AWWWWWW I LOVE HIM I LOVE HIM I LOVE HIM PAUL!!!!!!! I love you, Paul.
Tags: drugs are cool, drugz, Hogwarts, Hot Sox, it's cool to do drugs, John Lennon Charm School, Laura Jane plus John Lennon equals love forever, making pathological optimism work for you, Paul McCartney, Paul McCartney Charm School, ratty fur jackets, The Goon Show, thinking caps, wolf prison
Share | 
| 
|
|
+ Posted by Liz in Beatles Photo of the Week | Permalink | Leave a comment |
Friday, March 12, 2010
Motivational Jay-Z Lyric of the Week: Wasted vs. Wasted
I'm not trying to say I think I'm better than Jay-Z. I don't think I'm better than Jay-Z. Which isn't to say that I think I'm worse than Jay-Z. I don't think I'm worse than Jay-Z. I think Jay-Z and I are exactly equal.
On Tuesday, nogoodforme reader and fellow Cancerian Taylor was kind enough to ask me the exact sort of question that I spend my entire life wishing people would ask me: What are your Jay-Z spirit songs? The answer to that question is, of course, there's only one, which is: The Grey Album version of "Allure".I love it so much more than "Dear Prudence" by the Beatles, which it samples. The lyric "I got a thing for them big-bodied Benzes; it dulls my senses," demonstrates an astounding degree of self-criticism and self-reflectiveness on Jay-Z's end, and I totally, definitely, 100% agree with "The allure of breaking the law is always too much for me to ever ignore." I'm a warrior; a criminal. I love it when Jay-Z calls himself "Young," it's so cute and cool to me. Most importantly, "Allure" by Jay-Z has my name in it. "All the Lauras of the world, I feel your pain," raps Jay-Z. That's ME he's talking about! It's true! I am one of the Lauras of the world, and Jay-Z just ADMITTED that he feels my pain! So that's amazing. It makes me feel really felt, and shit.
There is one lyric in "Allure" that I always loved so dearly- it, you know, motivated me. Then, I realized it isn't a real lyric from "Allure"; It was a mishear all along. Still, I hugely prefer my mishear to the actual lyric, so I just pretend that the lyric is my mishear, still. Although the actual lyric means pretty much the same thing as my mishear, my mishear is undeniably cooler. So, I was thinking, that maybe next time you listen to "Allure" by Jay-Z, you might want to hear the lyric as my mishear, as I do, because it works a lot better, in my opinion.
Here is the real lyric: Man, I'm high off life; fuck it, I'm wasted.
Here is my mishear: Man, I'm high up, like, fuckin' I'm wasted.
Yeah? You know? Mine's so slack and chill. "High off life," is just never a cool thing to say, I don't think. "High off life"? Don't get "high off life." Get high off drugs.
Tags: Allure, Ask Us Anything, Dear Prudence, drugz, Laura Jane vs. Jay-Z, motivation, Motivational Jay-Z Lyric of the Week, The Grey Album
Share | | |
|
+ Posted by Laura in Motivational Jay-Z Lyric of the Week | Permalink | Leave a comment |
Random Video Entry: "Dr. Cat" by Mary Timony
BECAUSE SOMETIMES NOT EVEN DEVENDRA BANHART IS WOMAN ENOUGH FOR ME.
P.S. Let's all learn the dance sequence, and then dance it. Together.
Tags: cats, dancing, Devendra Banhart, femininity, Mary Timony, videos
Share | | |
|
+ Posted by Liz in Videos | Permalink | Leave a comment | Comments (1)
Snapshot: Listening, Watching, Reading, Wearing, Wanting
+ Kat
Listening: Right now I really just want to listen to super-girly pop music, like old-school Destiny's Child and Lily Allen's and Madonna's and Gwen Stefani's respective first albums. I'm sorry, but I'm hella stress-y right now.
Watching: A weird combination of "Buffy" and "Mad Men" and the new ep of "Gossip Girl." Which, by the way....??? GG, why do I feel so disconnected to you? What happened to the magic? The love? Why are you so dull to me now?
Reading: I blasted through the whole Harry Potter series. Stress-y!
Wearing: Actually, before a meeting this week I dropped into the Liberty of London for Target pop-up shop near Times Square and picked up a peacock-print halter dress and a chiffon romper/pj thingie. Then after my meeting I got a super-cute ruffly-top. I have to say: there is so much ridiculous springtime cuteness in this collection, it may be the best Target collabo ever, if only for the amazing housewares and those men's shirts. AND I REALLY WANT THAT BIKE. Despite the fact that the idea of riding a bike in NYC gives me hives.
Wanting: You know what I want? BIG HAIR. I'm on a journey in life and this is the part of the story where I need BIG HAIR. This demands its own crazy post. Stay tuned!
I want hair this big. Actually, EVEN BIGGER. Also, a boob would be cool:
+ Liz
Listening: the songs that form the Cadbury Creme Egg yin-yang of my life
Watching: Alice in Wonderland. Alan Rickman is a sexy caterpillar.
Reading: the Spin archives!
Wearing: Hello Kitty pajama pants and my "Nobody Puts Baby In A Corner" t-shirt
Wanting: ibuprofen, Hot Tamales and Diet Coke, to reconnect with my number-one dream dude
This totally got me - little kids singing some Phoenix song makes me cry and smile soooooooo much. So much:
+ Laura Jane
Listening: All sorts of neat stuff! The Slits, "Ping Pong Affair"; The Beatles, "Kansas City/Hey-Hey-Hey-Hey"; Ringo, Ringo; Lizzy Mercier Descloux, Mambo Nassau; "Cool Calm & Collected" by the Rolling Stones, which is what the Rolling Stones would sound like if the Rolling Stones were the Kinks. Knowing life, this song is probably about Edie Sedgwick
Watching: Can't really beat a Ben Linus-centric episode of LOST now can we?
Reading: Beastie Boys SPIN issue from September 1998. You know, I think it's so weird that in September 1998 I had never listened to Sgt. Pepper's Lonely Hearts Club Band but listened to the second half of "The Sounds of Science" by the Beastie Boys over and over again and adored it more than ANYTHING, totes obliv to the fact that the samples were from Sgt. Pepper. This proves that I love the Beatles viscerally and innately, which is COOL
Wearing: Hella mascara; this cool new outfit called "Hooker Rooftop John Lennon"; I'd like to explore other "Hooker John Lennon" looks in the coming weeks. It's really working for me. All the best parts of John Lennon, and all the best parts of a prostitute. There's one for my gravestone!
Wanting: Okay, Starbucks. You caught me. This is me, admitting it: I want a Dark Cherry Mocha. I may even want an Iced Dark Cherry Mocha. Yeah.
Here is "Hooker Rooftop John Lennon." Clearly, I really struggled with taking this picture. Either I was blurry, or my face got cut off. But isn't that the whole point? Of hookers?
Tags: Alan Rickman, Beastie Boys, Ben Linus, big hair, bikes, dream dudes, Gossip Girl, Hooker John Lennon, Hot Tamales, John Lennon, LOST, Ringo, Rooftop John Lennon, Starbucks, Target, the Cadbury Creme Egg yin-yang of my life, the PS22 chorus
Share | | |
|
+ Posted by Laura in Snapshot | Permalink | Leave a comment | Comments (14)
Thursday, March 11, 2010
Heavy Rotation: The Smiths, Depeche Mode, Liars/Devendra Banhart & The Grogs, Ted Nugent, Ol' Dirty Bastard, The Beatles
The Smiths, "London"
Morrissey was a Gemini (well, Taurus-Gemini cusp) and Johnny Marr was a Scorpio. Such a promising, genius pairing, but eventually doomed because of innate volatility and incompatibility. On the good side, this lead to Morrissey's genius, brilliant lyrics paired with Marr's unexpectedly agile, ferocious guitar playing. On the more interpersonal side, Morrissey's probably hogged all the interviews and Johnny liked to brood in annoyance; that's what happens when you mix air with a fixed water sign. After a solid two-plus decades, my favorite Smiths album recently changed from The Queen Is Dead to Louder Than Bombs. What does this mean? I think it means I am finally grown-up, right? (Kat)
+ Continue reading "Heavy Rotation: The Smiths, Depeche Mode, Liars/Devendra Banhart & The Grogs, Ted Nugent, Ol' Dirty Bastard, The Beatles"
Tags: Anthology versions, astrology, astrology-themed everything, Cadbury Creme Eggs, Cancerians, Chandler Bing, Dave Gahan, Depeche Mode, Devendra Banhart, Johnny Marr, Laura loves the Beatles, Martin Gore, morning, Morrissey, Norwegian Wood, ODB, self-acceptance, springtime, sucking on Ted Nugent's soul, sweaty socks, Syd Barrett, Ted Nugent, The Beatles, the Smiths, Uma Thurman, yin-yangs
Share | | |
|
+ Posted by Liz in Heavy Rotation | Permalink | Leave a comment | Comments (3)
Wednesday, March 10, 2010
The David Lee Roth Guide To Livin' Right: CHOOSE LARCENY (NOT DARKNESS)
"What I represent is attitude, point of view. What I represent is some sort of spiritual neighborhood. If you hate me then you hate your most favorite parts about yourself. Ozzy is the Prince of Darkness and I'm the Patron Saint of Larceny. Who would you rather be?"
Tags: David Lee Roth, inspirational quotes
Share | | |
|
+ Posted by Liz in David Lee Roth | Permalink | Leave a comment | Comments (2)
Flashback to 1985: Madonna Eats Out Of Garbage Cans, Maintains A Lint-Free Belly Button
So the complete archives of Spin magazine are now available on Google books - every issue, in its entirety, ads and all. It's total porn for bonkers-nostalgic rock-nerd girls like me, I'm trolling through each issue one by one starting with the May '85 premiere and it's just such a trip. A few highlights from that first ish: an interview with U2, whose lead singer's this dude by the name of "Bono Vox"; a David Lee Roth-authored column on how to pimp your lowrider; a really amazing Pontiac ad starring Hall & Oates; plus some back-page story about this sorta-new band called the Red Hot Chili Peppers who say lots of stupid stuff but hey maybe they're really going places! And, of course, there's the cover story on Madonna, who is 26 and writes all her songs "with aerobics in mind" and so wins the Liz Barker award for "Best Madonna Ever." Some good quotes:
"WHEN WE'D RUN OUT OF MONEY, I'd pass by the garbage can in the lobby of the Music Building, and if it smelled really good - like if there was a Burger King bag sitting on top that someone had just deposited - I'd open it up, and if I was lucky, there would be French fries that hadn't been eaten. I'm a vegetarian, which is why I didn't eat the burger."
"MY FAVORITE BUTTON IS MY BELLY BUTTON. I have the most perfect belly button: an inny, and there's no lint in it. I never wore a jewel in my belly, but if I did it would be a ruby or an emerald, but not a diamond. When I stick my finger in my belly button, I feel a nerve in the center of my body shoot up my spine. If 100 belly buttons were lined up against a wall, I could definitely pick out which one is mine."
"I WAS NEVER A GIRL SCOUT, but I was a Campfire Girl and a Brownie. Campfire Girls had the cooler uniform. I was never good at being part of an organization. When I was a Brownie, I ate all the cookies. When I was a Campfire Girl, I'd camp out with the boys and get into trouble."
Tags: 1985, belly buttons, BONO VOX???, Burger King, David Lee Roth, Girl Scouts, Madonna, magazines, Red Hot Chili Peppers
Share | | |
|
+ Posted by Liz in Nostalgia | Permalink | Leave a comment | Comments (8)
Tuesday, March 9, 2010
THE ASTRO-BEATLES POWER HOUR, by Laura Jane Faulds
Fucking Fuck Yeah, Laura JANE. I did it, Guys! I told you I was going to make astro-Beatles mixes for every zodiac sign, and then I DID. Because I'm awesome, and this is the exact sort of thing that I can contribute, to society. Just call me The Susan Miller of Penny Lane. If you want.
Anyway, yeah, I did this. I did this for EVERYBODY, because I think it's important. I think it's important that every single person reading this goes and makes a playlist of the Astro-Beatles mix I made for them, and then uploads it to their stupid iPod or whatever, listens to it, and has an Astro-Beatles Power Hour with themselves. Then, report back to me. It is so important, to have Astro-Beatles Power Hours. It's just something you need to do, as a human being, in my opinion. It helps you connect to the Universe, and yourself. While living your Astro-Beatles Power Hour, which means, "listening to the Astro-Beatles mix I made you," you should probably do something related to your Zodiac sign. I like to live my Astro-Beatles Power Hours while sitting on my balcony, drinking coffee and smoking cigarettes and looking at the sky, and thinking about it (the sky), because I'm a Cancer, and that's a very Cancerian experience to have. Tauruses should have Astro-Beatles Power Hours while sitting in the woods. Leos should live Astro-Beatles Power Hours while looking at lions at the zoo. Capricorns should have their Astro-Beatles Power Hours at Starbucks. Etc etc etc. GOD. What would this world do without me??????
I also went through the trouble to bold the Beatles songs from all your Astro-Beatles mixes that I feel are most important to embodying the spirit of your particular Zodiac sign, in case you are one of the crappier Zodiac signs and thusly are too lazy and jaded to participate in an entire Astro-Beatles Power Hour. Please, at very least, do me a favor and listen to those songs, and think about your Zodiac sign.
I promise it's so worth it. Cosmically worth it.
Arieses are aggro and pushy, like John Lennon's moon sign. They should listen primarily to early Beatles songs that are forceful and instructional in nature.
I. Sgt. Pepper's Lonely Hearts Club Band; II. She Came In Through The Bathroom Window; III. Kansas City/Hey-Hey-Hey-Hey; IV. Slow Down; V. You Can't Do That; VI. Besame Mucho; VII. My Bonnie; VIII. Run For Your Life; IX. Got To Get You Into My Life; X. When I Get Home; XI. Shout; XII. Good Morning Good Morning; XIII. Why Don't We Do It In The Road?; XIV. It Won't Be Long; XV. I'm Down
Tauruses are like trees. They should listen to Beatles songs that sound like the colours green and brown. Also: olive.
I. Back in the USSR; II. One After 909; III. Cry For A Shadow; IV. Old Brown Shoe; V. Get Back; VI. What Goes On; VII. With A Little Help From My Friends; VIII. Maggie Mae; IX. Cayenne; X. I've Got A Feeling; XI. Come Together; XII. Any Time At All; XIII. You Know My Name (Look Up The Number); XIV. Rocky Raccoon; XV. Good Night
Geminis are sharp and peppy, just like the man himself: Sir Paul McCartney (who is a Gemini). Geminis should listen to buoyantly lame Paul classics of lameness, and also some Ringo shit. Ones with "Honey" in the title.
I. The Night Before; II. Honey Don't; III. Step Inside Love/Los Paranoias; IV. Mother Nature's Son; V. I'm Happy Just To Dance With You; VI. The Ballad of John and Yoko; VII. Honey Pie; VIII. Maxwell's Silver Hammer; IX. There's A Place; X. Another Girl; XI. Good Day Sunshine; XII. Think For Yourself; XIII. I Want To Tell You; XIV. Ticket To Ride; XV. Birthday
Beautiful wonderful us Cancers are the moon and the ocean and the stars and the sky. Cancers understand everything and feel shit hard and believe in the magic of the Universe. They cry a lot and also smile quite a bit. Cancerians are the Beatles song "Because", which is the only Beatles song that is TRUE.
I. Here Comes The Sun; II. Rain; III. You're Going To Lose That Girl; IV. Please Mr. Postman; V. Baby's In Black; VI. I'm Only Sleeping; VII. Blue Jay Way; VIII. BECAUSE; IX. Eleanor Rigby; X. I'm Looking Through You; XI. I've Just Seen A Face; XII. The Word; XIII. You've Really Got A Hold On Me; XIV. Julia; XV. Long, Long, Long
+ Continue reading "THE ASTRO-BEATLES POWER HOUR, by Laura Jane Faulds"
Tags: Astro-Beatles Power Hours, astrology, astrology-themed everything, How to Live, Laura Jane Faulds, Laura Loves the Beatles, The Beatles, The Susan Miller of Penny Lane
Share | | |
|
+ Posted by Laura in HOW TO LIVE | Permalink | Leave a comment | Comments (27)
Random Picture Entry: The Greatest Photograph Ever Taken
They totally still hang out like this all the time, right?
Tags: David Lee Roth, Sean Penn, The Beastie Boys
Share | | |
|
+ Posted by Liz in Random Picture Entry | Permalink | Leave a comment | Comments (1)
Monday, March 8, 2010
Happy International Women's Day, BITCHES!!!!
Love, Laura Jane.
Tags: the Beatles, womanhood
Share | | |
|
+ Posted by Laura in HOW TO LIVE | Permalink | Leave a comment | Comments (3)
