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Tuesday , December 14, 2010

HOW TO DRESS YOURSELF: Laura Jane's Guide to Stoner Girl Chic


Being a girl stoner is fundamentally rebellious. It is a political act.

Smoking pot puts you directly in touch with everything women aren't supposed to be, even in Two Thousand and "Things Should Be Better Than This!" Nine. Smoking pot makes a person- in my/your/our case(s), a girl- turn thoughtful, jokey, hungry, utterly self-reliant, and entirely non-sexual. Just as everybody who has ever tried to "get stoned and make out" has learned the hard way- there is no such thing as "getting stoned and making out." There is only "getting stoned, trying to make out, and then losing interest because you'd rather talk about The Beatles."

I am very proud to be a Stoner Girl. To "The Man," we are "The Enemy," kind of. We are the coolest girls in the world, not to mention the hottest. We are like the "California Girls" of all the different types of girls who do all the different types of drugs. Sings dudes, "I wish they all could be Stoner Girls, like Laura Jane Faulds, and Anna Faris in Smiley Face." Serious! For true! That's what dudes sing. All of them. Non-stop!

Stoner Girl Chic is fun, because it is all about trickery. The guiding principle behind Stoner Girl Chic is: being crazy-lazy about dressing yourself, but figuring out a handful of zero-effort fashion maneuvers that effectively fool the world into thinking you kind of tried, or, are not stoned.

Stoner Girl Chic is a "scrappy/sexy mishmash." Stoned people are auto-sexy, because their fuzzy eyes turn heavy-lidded, which is sexy, and they laugh a lot, and laughing is sexy too. Stoned people are also auto-scrappy, because smoking pot motivates you to scrap it up, to scamper around and go on kicky excursions to eat candy in shopping carts, swing on swings, and shoplift Snickers bars from your local 7-11.

Since becoming a stoner a few weeks ago, I have noticed two major changes in the way I dress myself:

1) I don't give a shit about what I wear, and;

2) I've never looked better!

Typically, stoner dudes have the worst personal style in the world. They make frat boys seem like Ultimate Fashion Champions. Red dreads; goatees with Fimo beads in them; cargo pants embellished with pictures of aliens; those nasty burlap World Famous messenger bags. Hacky sacks do not an accessory make, my brothers!

But we, my Stoner Girl compatriots, do not have to look as gross as our male counterparts! Let's be mad adorable, wear ratty t-shirts as if they were ball gowns, have our brains blown out by "When My Mind Is Not Live" by the Status Quo, roll joints of medicinal quality, and be the hottest chicks this world ever knew!

If you are new to Girl Stonerdom, and are not quite sure how to adapt your old non-stoner wardrobe to the needs of your new stoner self, this simple, easy-to-follow ten-step guide to becoming the chic-est Stoner Girl on the planet is dedicated to YOU!



Now that you are a Stoner Girl, 90% of the shit you'd ever want to do can be accomplished while sporting pyjamas. Scoresies malorskies! Pyjamas are the cat's pyjamas (HA HA HA! Stoners make dumb jokes!) Sometimes, however, you need a Big Gulp from 7-11, or cookies. Sometimes, you have to walk over to your Stoner Girl BFF's house. As much as you don't want to put effort into "getting dressed," you also don't want to be seen sporting flannel panda-print jammies on a major city street. One never knows when one might run into a hot dude!

As a Stoner Girl, it is your obligation to invest in adorable jammers that are socially acceptable to wear outside the home. It's very easy to do. It's called "go to American Eagle Awesome and buy three-for-two boxer shorts," (See: Fig. IX) and "prioritize buying sick t-shirts over anything else, except weed." (Fig. V; Fig. VII)

As depicted in Fig. IX, I am wearing a baseball t-shirt with my jammie shorts. Baseball t-shirts are a great choice for everybody, especially Stoner Girls (also: dudes.) They make you look like a young Jodie Foster. If you can't swing looking cool in a baseball tee, you probably can't look cool at all. I'm sorry to hear that.


Of any one type of garment, dresses have the highest "classiness to laziness" ratio. It is so easy to put a dress on (See: Fig. IV) It's one piece of clothing. You put it on, and then you are ready. It's a beautiful thing, really. Poor dudes. The best sort of dresses are the ones made out of t-shirt material. (Fig. I; Fig. VII) Wearing them feels like when you were three years old and wore your mommy's t-shirt and it was baggy and hung down to your knees and you were the cutest little imp there ever was! As a Stoner Girl, you are allowed to have toddlers be a legitimate Style Icon of yours. Basically, dress like "Jeff Spicoli meets a toddler." There you go. Fashion concept conceptualized! You're welcome.


Track shorts are the bomb. They are as comfortable as boxer shorts, only a little more "actual clothing" and a little less "obviously pyjamas." The only downside of track shorts is that they come across pretty athletic sometimes, and the last thing you ("I") want is to have people thinking you just went to the GYM. Ew! Going to the gym is only cool if your name is Liz "Uncle Black Eyes" Barker.

My strategy for making sure everybody knows I didn't just go to the gym is to pair track shorts with shirts that aren't t-shirts, as shown in Fig. III and Fig. VI. This "look" is one of my favourite things I've ever come up with. It is like how people describe mullets as being "business in the front, party in the back," only it is "classy on top, stoned on the bottom." If you are sitting down, people will think that you're, like, not even stoned at all!


To cool people, "stoned eyes" are auto-sexy. They are like an insta- "come hither stare." To uncool people, however, "stoned eyes" are a warning bell alerting them to your being a drug-addicted "Menace 2 Society." This is discrimination, and you should NOT have to deal with it! You're a Stoner Girl! You're hot shit, with a soda on the side! You are in the right. But sometimes, in life, you gotta throw them Normies a bone. Compromise. Wear sunglasses. (Fig III; Fig. VII)

A really cool thing happens to me when I get "stoned eyes"- my left eye always goes way closed-er than my right eye, so I look awesome, like Lisa "Left-Eye" Lopes (RIP). But judge-y store employees don't think that it's as awesome as I do to have one of your bloodshot eyes be three-quarters closed. They think it means they can treat you like you are "less than." Which is why I wear sunglasses always. I'm a very functional stoner, so, once the ol' left eye's hid, the Universe is none the wiser.


Actually, don't do this. If you did, you would be blatantly ripping off Laura Jane Faulds of nogoodforme.com, which would be a) annoying for you, and b) annoying for me. What you should really do is get your own tattoos, that are of equivalent coolness to the never-ending sexy badassness of mine. This will be a difficult feat, I'm sure. I have never seen any tattoos that come anywhere near close to mine on the sexy/badass-o-meter. But I believe in you.

Thanks to my sweet "ink," I have to work a lot less hard to look cool than other people do. Everybody should have some sort of bodily gimmick that allows them to take more liberties with getting dressed. Maybe a piercing? A facial scar? The only other thing I can think of is a Big Gulp. Everybody looks cooler drinking a Big Gulp.



Once, in high school, my bud Alex and I hopped a fence and got hella stoned on a yuppie golf course, which clearly ruled. Then, we walked to the video store (this was back when there were "video stores," not "DVD emporiums"). We didn't want any Blockbuster employees to know that we were high, so we lamely covered up our pot smoke-reek by dousing ourselves in cheapie Calgon floral-approximation-flavored body spray.

We stumbled into Blockbuster with such goofy gracelessness as did the Beatles' cartoon counterparts, stumbling out of an animated Rolls-Royce forty years ago. We realized then that the perfume only added to the obviousness of our stoned-dom. Instead of just smelling like weed, we now smelled like weed and nasty perfume. It was a very important lesson to learn. Perfume just calls attention to the problem. The only thing that effectively covers up the scent of mary jane is cigarette smoke. So: start smoking.


Remember the episode of Mad Men where Don Draper goes downtown and gets stoned with his Greenwich Village mistress and her lame Kerouacky pals? And there are policemen in the building and Don Draper has to go home to Long Island to hang out with January Jones and the lame Boho dude is like "You can't go out there, Man," and Don Draper is like "You can't, but I can," and then he walks out of the apartment and tips his hot hat at the cops and says "Good Evening, Officers," like the hottest, classiest shit there ever was?

Now that you're a Stoner Girl, you need to be exactly like that, all the time. Confidence is key. See, my preferred context for smoking weed is "winding through the side streets of my neighbourhood in the late afternoon sunshine, rocking sunnies and a sundress, listening to music on headphones, and writing nogoodforme posts in my head." As much as I make an effort to stick to smaller, residential streets, I have no choice but to cross at both Bathurst and Harbord Streets, which are kinda major. Like, the kinda major that cop cars drive down. Good thing I'm Laura "The Don Draper of The Annex" Jane Faulds!

The other day, I was smoking a joint down Harbord Street wearing the little crocheted cream number exhibited in Fig. IV. A cop car stopped at the red light, not but ten feet away from my person! From the marijuana smoke wafting from the marijuana cigarette I was smoking! So what did I do?

Nothing. I walked past the cop car, smiled at the cops, and turned down the next street. Even if they had caught me, which they never would have, because cops love Laura Jane, I just would have talked my way out of it, because smoking pot makes you really smart.


Think non-stoners, collectively: "Stoner Girls are too lazy to wear accessories! If somebody is wearing an accessory, they must not to be stoned! No stoner could ever be 'in control' enough to remember to put on a necklace! That girl Laura Jane is definitely Not Stoned."

Prove those Normies wrong! I am not Not Stoned! I'm stoned! And I'm wearing a necklace! And glasses! And a bracelet, even! (See: Fig. I)

Being a Stoner Girl is all about being clever. So clever that you will make Stephen Malkmus seem like not a clever human being at all, which I don't even think he really is, that much. Or do I? I'm not sure. It depends. Like, sometimes he is, but then other times he totally isn't. I can't decide. I really like how he says "career," and then turns it into "Korea." That's so weird! And cool! I wonder if he was stoned when he wrote that?

I bet. Smoking pot makes you really smart.


Have you ever been stoned in a high-waisted pencil skirt that is too small for you? I have. It was one of the lowest moments I've ever known. If you are stoned and wearing uncomfortable clothing, your chances of having a "bad experience" are upped significantly. It's important to me that I do my part to make sure strangers don't have "bad smoking pot experiences," because there is nothing more annoying in this life than having friends who "don't smoke pot" because they had a "bad experience" seven years ago, and now will never smoke pot with me, which puts a moderate amount of strain on our relationship.

Stoner Girls need to invest in a good strapless bra, or two, or three, because Stoner Girls should always be wearing too-big clothing that falls off their bodies (Fig. VII; Fig. VIII; see also: yeller jumpers) so that they can be comfier. It's another "best of both worlds"-type sitch- it capitalizes on the same hotness brought to you by "wearing your boyfriend's Oxford with no bra." Also, speaking of dudes, I'm sure that ten out of ten of them can attest to the fact that it's always sexy to get a bit of shoulder out of the deal.


Unless the bong you are smoking out of is

a) an apple;
b) a Bukket, or;
c) shaped like the head of a Native American Chief,

bongs are ugly and skeezy. Joints, on the other hand, are scrappy and sexy. As exhibited in Fig. II, people smoking joints look motherfucking great. That photograph of me was taken candidly, at 2:30 in the morning, after not having showered for three days. But, I look better than I've ever looked in my life! Why? Because I'm smoking a joint. Only one of the hundreds of thousands of reasons why smoking pot is always a great idea.

Legalize the weed, and I'll say THANK HEAVENS.

Laura "Sleepy Beatles" Jane Faulds.

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Perhaps My second all-time favorite post from you, LJF. 1st of course being Let it Beat, but I was too lame (stoned??) to say anything. Happy Belated Birthday/Best Post Ever?

I think Malk was stoned about 99% of his time in Pavement, which is why Wowee Zowee was the perfect stoner album. (Though not my favorite Pavement. anyhoo.)

I will look into applying these into my life b/c I have about zero fashion going on, ever (pre and post stonerness). Sad but true.

By anon because i care on July 6, 2009 6:57 PM

i thought i might be too old to have a serious stoner phase & was kind of disappointed, but now i see that that isn't so. you've give me hope, laura jane!

plus i bought the best stoner girl dress ever at target today.

By calli on July 6, 2009 11:41 PM

This was awesome. My new favorite article. You continue to rule, LJ.

By kristen on July 7, 2009 9:56 AM

oh my god
my new favorite too. ilu ljf

have been reading ur posts for a long time now and i love ur site LJ :) but are u for real 'bout this post? ive been a drug addict for 6 years (been clean for almost 250 days!smilin)
and i know smoking is fun and chill and all that but u dont see the whole picture and that suprises me coming from you.
i started out just smoking weed and having fun, but in time i got from smoking daily to snorting speed and coke. and with time i became addicted to amfetamin aswell as weed (did other drugs aswell in those years like ghb,extacy,lot of downers)
my point here is, that weed is fun in the beginning but if u start to smoke everyday, ull get very paranoid and moody. and also the fact that it can (dosnt have to but i can) lead to heavier drugs as i did in my case.
i started out just wanting to have fun but i ended up droppig out of school and loosing my job.
the good about my sad story is that i got family that loves my got my into rehab and payd of all the dept i had gotten my self in.

so today im doing ok, but im a different person today than i would have been if i never got down that road. an drugaddiction is somewhat simular to anorexia, u may beat on some levels but it does somethings with ur head forever. (ur damagde for good somehow)

i think what im trying to say i my not so good english (hehe,sorry,im norwegian)is that if u want to smooke then thats ur choice and thats ok but u chould remember that u are promoting weed in a way that u may not want..

ur a good person LJ, and u are talking about importent issues like eating dissorder, keep up the good work tho! :)

rip MJ

sens. vikky

By flikkan on July 7, 2009 1:02 PM

this is my new favorite thing ever. you are a genius. stay stoned xox

By rosie on July 7, 2009 1:14 PM

THX for the kind words, Gang!

Jah Love,
Laura Jane

it's one of my favorites too! and you've inspired me to wear the really fly orange-red track shorts i bought for like 12 cents at salvation army a few months ago. i don't know which shoes to wear them with though. vans? ballet flats, even?

calli, i want to know more about your target stoner girl dress!

this is hilarious and great! i'd add as rule #11, pockets are awesome. stoner girls need pockets. does your dress in fig. 1 have pockets? it looks like it does. the perfect stoner girl outfit, in my mind, is a loose comfy dress made out of t-shirt material (perhaps falling-off-your-shoulder? or in a print that looks like a little kid's bedsheet), with nice deep pockets.

By elsie on July 7, 2009 11:05 PM


Thank you so much for your honesty! Congratulations on 250 days; I can only imagine how empowering that must be, and how hard you've worked to get there. I can understand how reading something so adamantly pro-drug use would seem troubling to you, but for me, smoking pot has never been anything but positive, relaxing, and, in the case of overcoming my eating disorder- incredibly, incredibly helpful. Some of the most positive "Fuck you forever, Anorexia' moments I've lived can be hugely attributed to my girl stonerdom.

I'm really glad that you commented, though, and presented a flipside to my perhaps overly enthusiastic (but always tongue in cheek) take on the matter. Take care, and keep up the good work! Thanks for all the kind words.


ha, this was so brilliant! i'm normally a quiet admirer of yours, laura jane, but this was too great to stay hushed.

i myself have only very recently discovered stoner chic and shit, if the free fabric of dresses don't feel even MORE amazing when you're high.

By tiffany on July 8, 2009 6:04 PM

Liz, here it is:
but I don't think the cuteness of the pattern is conveyed in the picture!

and so true, Elsie! if only this dress had pockets...

By calli on July 9, 2009 12:04 PM

Man I feel so chill after reading this

Too chill for punctuation apparently

adorable! i want it!

dude jill yeah i know punctuations so aggro

REPRESENT!! big ups, mad props, jah bless

wow stereotypes are awesome. fucking bitch.
i hope you choke on your shitty joints

i wish every girl was exactly like you.
i love smoking pot.
i love girls that smoke pot.
its sexy.
and you are the epitomy of a sexy stoner chic.
thankyou for being so awesome.

By michael h. on July 26, 2009 6:48 PM

Not to be rude, but it seems like all you discovered was "how to be a hipster."
Worse yet, I know your type, and none of you will actually consider stoner guys who dress in a very similar fashion: no dreads, beads, ridiculous cargo shorts or alien stickers, but comfortable, still hip plaid shirts and the like. You won't date us, even though we mirror you on the other side of genderland. Why? I speak for all other 20 year old guys when I say that girls our age are downright pretentious. I laud your efforts, but I hope that you make a conscious effort to consider how things are on the other side of the rainbow.
Ps- I'm actually fairly handsome, in very good shape, and am not an acne covered weirdo, just fyi. (andalsocompletelysingleandintogirlslikeyou COUGH)

Thanks for your time.

Kudos. My boyfriend is extremely turned on by stoners which is one reason that our relationship is so good. Anyway, your post was great and I think I am now going to celebrate your greatness by smoking a joint in your honor! Peace

despite some bad advise (start smoking&don't smoke out of bongs), i love you :D

"As a Stoner Girl, you are allowed to have toddlers be a legitimate Style Icon of yours."
i litterally shouted with joy. :)

the best thing about it is that when i so much as curse, people are shocked. then i mention how weed should be legalized and they explode.

All i have to say is.. wow.
if you do anything this post says good luck lol you will most likely get made fun of
"since becoming a stoner a few weeks ago"
and by the way, anna faris in smiley face was an embarrassment to stoners everywhere. if you act like that when you smoke weed, something is wrong with you, and you shouldn't be smoking weed. i smoke weed every day and i can still go about normal everyday activities without looking like a complete dumbass the whole time. any guy who thinks that is hot is probably on some other drugs

By Seriously on August 29, 2009 2:24 AM

You are not a stoner; you are a fucking poser.
Weed is not a fashion statement.
There are no "rules" of how a stoner should dress. Fashion sense dictateth not the wreckhead.

By TheGabe on August 29, 2009 7:34 PM

this is gay even while i'm high.


By PLEASEDIE on August 30, 2009 11:48 AM

I don't know you but I can tell you don't know shit about cannabis and you're still in that "it's cool to get stoned" phase. Your article was trying way too hard.

also to 'lindsey'- for someone who has been addicted to drugs for the past 6 years you don't know fucking shit about them.

marijuana is completely and utterly non-addictive. that is, there is no PHYSICAL ELEMENT in marijuana that makes us crave or need it, or suffer withdrawal symptoms.

so shut the fuck up you ignorant fucking amphetamines junkie cunt.

By PLEASEDIE on August 30, 2009 12:01 PM

That's the problem with this article: it assumes that there is a 'stoner' demographic.
There simply isn't.

People from all walks of life smoke weed, 99% of them keep it on the down low. 1% smoke because it looks cool.

"bongs are ugly and skeezy. Joints, on the other hand, are scrappy and sexy"
What the hell? It's about function and convenience over anything. Bongs aren't meant to look good, they're meant to be an efficient and smooth smoking experience. Joints, however, are more convenient for being out-and-about. Alas most of my joints look pretty much like cigarettes as I'd rather not draw attention to myself whilst doing something (unfortunately) illegal.

Whilst much of this article is based on pretense and general bollocks (you say you don't give a shit what you look like, yet this whole article says the exact opposite) I must agree with your point about getting high in comfortable wear. It's simply one less thing to worry about.

By Sticky Stan on August 30, 2009 12:11 PM

Attention rabid stoners: IT IS A F-A-S-H-I-O-N WEBSITE. This is not an ARTICLE. It is a BLOG POST. This entire website has their tongue planted so firmly in their cheek. Re-examine your priorities.

Once NGFM starts doing something truly offensive like co-opting real cultures for fashion - which they never would - then come here an run your mouths. Until then, light a functional joint and chill the hell out. Life is too short for this. One love and all that, ya dig?

I'm utterly amazed that you could find so many idiotic and pretentious things in one blog post, congratulations retard.

you're all fucking retarded. hey laura jane, this isn't how to dress like a stoner chick, it's how to be a fucking poser. rule #1, don't tell people you smoke weed, how's that? you're the biggest poser ever, bongs are fucking sexy to every stoner, don't be retarded.

By fuck you retard on August 30, 2009 12:42 PM

LOL I hope this is a joke.

If not, please get over yourself and stop trying to be "uber edgy" or some shit.

It's satire.

oh just to clarify i mean 'flikkan' not 'lindsey' who also apparently goes by 'viccy' or something

By PLEASEDIE on August 30, 2009 1:43 PM

thank you, lovely and astute S! xo

Wow. This whole thing reeks of effort. Stoners don't try this hard. And you've only been a stoner for a few weeks? Ugh. You have much to learn... You make me want to puke. Get over yourself. Just put on whatever falls out of your wardrobe when you open it and stop going on about it.

i would like the point out that you contradict yourself by saying that stoner girls are everything that girls aren't supposed to be, and then saying that stoner girls don't have to be as gross as stoner guys (you can be CUTE!)

i mean, seriously. this is the first thing i read of yours, but it makes you sound shallow and not at all thoughtful.

oh, and marijuana does not "lead" to other drugs. the gateway drug theory is bunk, and in fact the opposite has been observed. don't blame your inability to watch out for your health on an inert substance. that's like calling lettuce a gateway twinkie.

"Since becoming a stoner a few weeks ago,"

made me lol

five years?

Great post, I love being a stoner.

hi i think you are my soulmate

fuck these haters keep it real

By heatherrr. on October 18, 2009 11:55 PM

wow you are so vain

Oh my god, you and I have such similar stoner-fashion sense. And it shapes our attitudes. I just sit and enjoy the world.

P.S. Someone else who looks like me but isn't me might be stoned... that person who isn't me says that resin hits are the gift that keep on giving/god's gift to the world.

I have said my peace (after hitting my piece).

While I agree with the openess of your post about Cannabis, I think you are still stuck in the it's cool to smoke pot stage. It's not 'cool' to smoke pot. A fashion sense is not a reason to get stoned, nor is how you look. Like anything in life it should be thought about, not done on a spot decision to look good. Smoking cannabis can be a huge benefit to your life both mentally and physically. It can give you a completely different outlook. A more balanced one. A less media drive one I dare to say..? One that makes you think about your situation..? One that makes you realise that looking 'good' is not important unless you are a media baby? I dunno I'm speculating now. It was an okay article, little bit childish maybe but a good read none-the-less! I wonder if nogoodforme will allow this post due to it's actual opinion in here? Oh no please don't lay the 'smackdown' on me, for not just agreeing, I dunno. Hopefully not!

I stumbled upon this....great thread and I agree with a lot of your rules. I'd like to suggest that you stoner chicks watch your intake though. I've dated two stoner girls with horrendous coughs. One of them would go as far as coughing up and spitting her lung butter when she'd have a cough attack. I stuck around because she was cute as hell and cool. But it's hard to share a J and go further with someone who's coughed up a lung.

I think the way you're portraying cannabis smokers is a disgrace. It is possible to do drugs and not let that be your defining characteristic, but apparently you're unable to comprehend that. In your desperation for acceptance you seem to feel that it's a good idea to display all facets of your life, good, bad, or neutral. Also, you look funny. Would not tap.



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