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Tuesday , December 14, 2010
HOW TO DRESS YOURSELF: Laura Jane's Guide to Stoner Girl Chic
Being a girl stoner is fundamentally rebellious. It is a political act.
Smoking pot puts you directly in touch with everything women aren't supposed to be, even in Two Thousand and "Things Should Be Better Than This!" Nine. Smoking pot makes a person- in my/your/our case(s), a girl- turn thoughtful, jokey, hungry, utterly self-reliant, and entirely non-sexual. Just as everybody who has ever tried to "get stoned and make out" has learned the hard way- there is no such thing as "getting stoned and making out." There is only "getting stoned, trying to make out, and then losing interest because you'd rather talk about The Beatles."
I am very proud to be a Stoner Girl. To "The Man," we are "The Enemy," kind of. We are the coolest girls in the world, not to mention the hottest. We are like the "California Girls" of all the different types of girls who do all the different types of drugs. Sings dudes, "I wish they all could be Stoner Girls, like Laura Jane Faulds, and Anna Faris in Smiley Face." Serious! For true! That's what dudes sing. All of them. Non-stop!
Stoner Girl Chic is fun, because it is all about trickery. The guiding principle behind Stoner Girl Chic is: being crazy-lazy about dressing yourself, but figuring out a handful of zero-effort fashion maneuvers that effectively fool the world into thinking you kind of tried, or, are not stoned.
Stoner Girl Chic is a "scrappy/sexy mishmash." Stoned people are auto-sexy, because their fuzzy eyes turn heavy-lidded, which is sexy, and they laugh a lot, and laughing is sexy too. Stoned people are also auto-scrappy, because smoking pot motivates you to scrap it up, to scamper around and go on kicky excursions to eat candy in shopping carts, swing on swings, and shoplift Snickers bars from your local 7-11.
Since becoming a stoner a few weeks ago, I have noticed two major changes in the way I dress myself:
1) I don't give a shit about what I wear, and;
2) I've never looked better!
Typically, stoner dudes have the worst personal style in the world. They make frat boys seem like Ultimate Fashion Champions. Red dreads; goatees with Fimo beads in them; cargo pants embellished with pictures of aliens; those nasty burlap World Famous messenger bags. Hacky sacks do not an accessory make, my brothers!
But we, my Stoner Girl compatriots, do not have to look as gross as our male counterparts! Let's be mad adorable, wear ratty t-shirts as if they were ball gowns, have our brains blown out by "When My Mind Is Not Live" by the Status Quo, roll joints of medicinal quality, and be the hottest chicks this world ever knew!
If you are new to Girl Stonerdom, and are not quite sure how to adapt your old non-stoner wardrobe to the needs of your new stoner self, this simple, easy-to-follow ten-step guide to becoming the chic-est Stoner Girl on the planet is dedicated to YOU!
RULE #1: PYJAMAS= CLOTHES= PYJAMAS= CLOTHES
Now that you are a Stoner Girl, 90% of the shit you'd ever want to do can be accomplished while sporting pyjamas. Scoresies malorskies! Pyjamas are the cat's pyjamas (HA HA HA! Stoners make dumb jokes!) Sometimes, however, you need a Big Gulp from 7-11, or cookies. Sometimes, you have to walk over to your Stoner Girl BFF's house. As much as you don't want to put effort into "getting dressed," you also don't want to be seen sporting flannel panda-print jammies on a major city street. One never knows when one might run into a hot dude!
As a Stoner Girl, it is your obligation to invest in adorable jammers that are socially acceptable to wear outside the home. It's very easy to do. It's called "go to American Eagle Awesome and buy three-for-two boxer shorts," (See: Fig. IX) and "prioritize buying sick t-shirts over anything else, except weed." (Fig. V; Fig. VII)
As depicted in Fig. IX, I am wearing a baseball t-shirt with my jammie shorts. Baseball t-shirts are a great choice for everybody, especially Stoner Girls (also: dudes.) They make you look like a young Jodie Foster. If you can't swing looking cool in a baseball tee, you probably can't look cool at all. I'm sorry to hear that.
RULE #2: DRESSES ARE GOOD
Of any one type of garment, dresses have the highest "classiness to laziness" ratio. It is so easy to put a dress on (See: Fig. IV) It's one piece of clothing. You put it on, and then you are ready. It's a beautiful thing, really. Poor dudes. The best sort of dresses are the ones made out of t-shirt material. (Fig. I; Fig. VII) Wearing them feels like when you were three years old and wore your mommy's t-shirt and it was baggy and hung down to your knees and you were the cutest little imp there ever was! As a Stoner Girl, you are allowed to have toddlers be a legitimate Style Icon of yours. Basically, dress like "Jeff Spicoli meets a toddler." There you go. Fashion concept conceptualized! You're welcome.
RULE #3: MEET YOUR NEW BEST FRIEND, "TRACK SHORTS"
Track shorts are the bomb. They are as comfortable as boxer shorts, only a little more "actual clothing" and a little less "obviously pyjamas." The only downside of track shorts is that they come across pretty athletic sometimes, and the last thing you ("I") want is to have people thinking you just went to the GYM. Ew! Going to the gym is only cool if your name is Liz "Uncle Black Eyes" Barker.
My strategy for making sure everybody knows I didn't just go to the gym is to pair track shorts with shirts that aren't t-shirts, as shown in Fig. III and Fig. VI. This "look" is one of my favourite things I've ever come up with. It is like how people describe mullets as being "business in the front, party in the back," only it is "classy on top, stoned on the bottom." If you are sitting down, people will think that you're, like, not even stoned at all!
RULE #4: HIDE YOUR EYES HOTLY
To cool people, "stoned eyes" are auto-sexy. They are like an insta- "come hither stare." To uncool people, however, "stoned eyes" are a warning bell alerting them to your being a drug-addicted "Menace 2 Society." This is discrimination, and you should NOT have to deal with it! You're a Stoner Girl! You're hot shit, with a soda on the side! You are in the right. But sometimes, in life, you gotta throw them Normies a bone. Compromise. Wear sunglasses. (Fig III; Fig. VII)
A really cool thing happens to me when I get "stoned eyes"- my left eye always goes way closed-er than my right eye, so I look awesome, like Lisa "Left-Eye" Lopes (RIP). But judge-y store employees don't think that it's as awesome as I do to have one of your bloodshot eyes be three-quarters closed. They think it means they can treat you like you are "less than." Which is why I wear sunglasses always. I'm a very functional stoner, so, once the ol' left eye's hid, the Universe is none the wiser.
RULE #5: HAVE "LENNON" & "McCARTNEY" TATTOOED ON THE INSIDE OF YOUR ELBOWS
Actually, don't do this. If you did, you would be blatantly ripping off Laura Jane Faulds of nogoodforme.com, which would be a) annoying for you, and b) annoying for me. What you should really do is get your own tattoos, that are of equivalent coolness to the never-ending sexy badassness of mine. This will be a difficult feat, I'm sure. I have never seen any tattoos that come anywhere near close to mine on the sexy/badass-o-meter. But I believe in you.
Thanks to my sweet "ink," I have to work a lot less hard to look cool than other people do. Everybody should have some sort of bodily gimmick that allows them to take more liberties with getting dressed. Maybe a piercing? A facial scar? The only other thing I can think of is a Big Gulp. Everybody looks cooler drinking a Big Gulp.
RULE #6: GO FRAGRANCE-FREE
Once, in high school, my bud Alex and I hopped a fence and got hella stoned on a yuppie golf course, which clearly ruled. Then, we walked to the video store (this was back when there were "video stores," not "DVD emporiums"). We didn't want any Blockbuster employees to know that we were high, so we lamely covered up our pot smoke-reek by dousing ourselves in cheapie Calgon floral-approximation-flavored body spray.
We stumbled into Blockbuster with such goofy gracelessness as did the Beatles' cartoon counterparts, stumbling out of an animated Rolls-Royce forty years ago. We realized then that the perfume only added to the obviousness of our stoned-dom. Instead of just smelling like weed, we now smelled like weed and nasty perfume. It was a very important lesson to learn. Perfume just calls attention to the problem. The only thing that effectively covers up the scent of mary jane is cigarette smoke. So: start smoking.
RULE #7: CHANNEL YOUR INNER DON DRAPER
Remember the episode of Mad Men where Don Draper goes downtown and gets stoned with his Greenwich Village mistress and her lame Kerouacky pals? And there are policemen in the building and Don Draper has to go home to Long Island to hang out with January Jones and the lame Boho dude is like "You can't go out there, Man," and Don Draper is like "You can't, but I can," and then he walks out of the apartment and tips his hot hat at the cops and says "Good Evening, Officers," like the hottest, classiest shit there ever was?
Now that you're a Stoner Girl, you need to be exactly like that, all the time. Confidence is key. See, my preferred context for smoking weed is "winding through the side streets of my neighbourhood in the late afternoon sunshine, rocking sunnies and a sundress, listening to music on headphones, and writing nogoodforme posts in my head." As much as I make an effort to stick to smaller, residential streets, I have no choice but to cross at both Bathurst and Harbord Streets, which are kinda major. Like, the kinda major that cop cars drive down. Good thing I'm Laura "The Don Draper of The Annex" Jane Faulds!
The other day, I was smoking a joint down Harbord Street wearing the little crocheted cream number exhibited in Fig. IV. A cop car stopped at the red light, not but ten feet away from my person! From the marijuana smoke wafting from the marijuana cigarette I was smoking! So what did I do?
Nothing. I walked past the cop car, smiled at the cops, and turned down the next street. Even if they had caught me, which they never would have, because cops love Laura Jane, I just would have talked my way out of it, because smoking pot makes you really smart.
RULE #8: A LITTLE BIT OF ACCESSORIES GOES A LONG WAY
Think non-stoners, collectively: "Stoner Girls are too lazy to wear accessories! If somebody is wearing an accessory, they must not to be stoned! No stoner could ever be 'in control' enough to remember to put on a necklace! That girl Laura Jane is definitely Not Stoned."
Prove those Normies wrong! I am not Not Stoned! I'm stoned! And I'm wearing a necklace! And glasses! And a bracelet, even! (See: Fig. I)
Being a Stoner Girl is all about being clever. So clever that you will make Stephen Malkmus seem like not a clever human being at all, which I don't even think he really is, that much. Or do I? I'm not sure. It depends. Like, sometimes he is, but then other times he totally isn't. I can't decide. I really like how he says "career," and then turns it into "Korea." That's so weird! And cool! I wonder if he was stoned when he wrote that?
I bet. Smoking pot makes you really smart.
RULE #9: FREE AS A BIRD, BIRDS!
Have you ever been stoned in a high-waisted pencil skirt that is too small for you? I have. It was one of the lowest moments I've ever known. If you are stoned and wearing uncomfortable clothing, your chances of having a "bad experience" are upped significantly. It's important to me that I do my part to make sure strangers don't have "bad smoking pot experiences," because there is nothing more annoying in this life than having friends who "don't smoke pot" because they had a "bad experience" seven years ago, and now will never smoke pot with me, which puts a moderate amount of strain on our relationship.
Stoner Girls need to invest in a good strapless bra, or two, or three, because Stoner Girls should always be wearing too-big clothing that falls off their bodies (Fig. VII; Fig. VIII; see also: yeller jumpers) so that they can be comfier. It's another "best of both worlds"-type sitch- it capitalizes on the same hotness brought to you by "wearing your boyfriend's Oxford with no bra." Also, speaking of dudes, I'm sure that ten out of ten of them can attest to the fact that it's always sexy to get a bit of shoulder out of the deal.
RULE #10: JOINTS ARE HOTTER THAN BONGS, MOST OF THE TIME
Unless the bong you are smoking out of is
bongs are ugly and skeezy. Joints, on the other hand, are scrappy and sexy. As exhibited in Fig. II, people smoking joints look motherfucking great. That photograph of me was taken candidly, at 2:30 in the morning, after not having showered for three days. But, I look better than I've ever looked in my life! Why? Because I'm smoking a joint. Only one of the hundreds of thousands of reasons why smoking pot is always a great idea.
Legalize the weed, and I'll say THANK HEAVENS.
Laura "Sleepy Beatles" Jane Faulds.
Tags: American Eagle Awesome, Big Gulps, bongs, drugz, girl stoners, How to dress yourself, joints, Laura, Laura "Getting Stoned and Listening to Music" Jane Faulds, Laura is chill, Laura Jane Faulds, Sleepy Beatles, smoking pot, Stoner Girl Chic, tees please
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